On survival

Loving yourself is not something that we're taught. But the reality is, if you want to survive, that you have to take care of yourself. That's been my philosophy throughout life: help others, but take care of self first, physically and emotionally. If you give without replenishing self, then you have nothing left to give. And that has always been one of my fears: not replenishing myself and having nothing left to give.

I give to G without reservation. But I also know that one day he'll grow up and I'll have to worry more about myself than him. And undoubtedly, that day will come sooner than I expect. And sometimes it seems like a tossup, if I'll have the patience to live with someone again (besides G).

Adjusting to someone's habits is so difficult. Is it really worthwhile? My aunt Urusla would probably say no. I was shocked to find out that she and her husband were separated a good portion of their marriage, before his death. My parents would say yes, but their marriage isn't too far from the deplorable Punch and Judy skits. I've seen enough marriages like that.

I'd like to be an idealist and say yes, but my yes would have caveats. Because it seems too easy for people to forget what brought them together. It seems too easy for people to cast their partner's emotional worth aside when they focus on what irritates and offends them. It seems too easy for people to forget how to show each other respect and dignity.

It would be nice to be a saint in this category, but of course I'm not. Finding fault (privately) used to be my hobby. The majority of men I've dated: except for the ex, they were all a size 32. Funny how that works out. If they were cute, they weren't smart enough. Porter was smart but he was on the geeky side of cute. Eric was the best looking and I cringed at the way other girls threw themselves at him (honestly, some women have no pride) but as much as I cared about him, we couldn't truly converse, not as equals.

My first boyfriend may have been the best: he was good looking, he was funny, I was a part of his family and they were wonderful... but he was not responsible enough and I was just too young, starting college. They say he married a girl that looked like me, they had a daughter and now they're divorced.

Drue, I'm not sure. Care about him, love him but that doesn't seem to be enough (from his end). He has been finding fault with me more frequently and it's a concern. Because at the end of the day, you either love each other or you don't. Accept each other or you don't. And it's a frustration.

The golden rule: protect self and survive. But it's nice to share moments, when you can. And G, what am I teaching him? Will he learn to be afraid of intimacy? I always want the easy answers. Even though I know they're not always available, I still want them.