Brain meeelllt
Ugh. Not a bad day but one of those days where enough happens, you don't completely realize how overwhelming it is until it's too late. G was a major contributor and the ex has his own agenda, interfering with my parents, which isn't helping.
Roller coaster with G today. He is still panicking every time I leave the room. It's infuriating. I go 2 steps where he can't see me and he's screaming my name. This never happened before. I don't know if it's because of Europe, he's really convinced that I'd leave him. It sucks.
I have been showing my temper more, which doesn't help. He told me he's convinced that I hate him when I'm mad. I keep reassuring him, I love you always, I love you forever. It helps, but he's still afraid. And with the baby pending, I have to be careful to refer to G as my 1st born versus saying 'You're the best," all the time, since that won't be fair to the new baby.
And G thought I was pregnant with him first, before my ex and I got married. This pregnancy is confusing him. No, no, I corrected him. Marriage first, then babies. Mommy did it backwards this time.
The up side is that I did entertain G with the stories of when he was born. And I drew similarities between him and his brother. Both pregnancies caught me unawares, so I could honestly tell G that they both hid in my tummy. G was my miracle baby: a surprise after 2 years of trying to conceive with the ex.... I was being wheeled to the operating room for a tonsillectomy when the surgeon stopped the OR prep and insisted that I take a pregnancy test. Who knew? And Jack, well, proof that A never has to worry about his fertility. But G giggled at the 'hiding in my tummy' stories and proclaimed me 'the best mom ever!' That was cool. Wish I had a tape recorder!
The downer: my ex, of course. He's good, he's a jerk, he's always up to something. After spending all day last Saturday with him and G in Baltimore, for Mattie's 1st communion, I warned him that I probably wouldn't make G's skating lesson. I was feeling carsick on the return trip from Towson and the lack of sleep the night before was brutal. Turns out the weasel called my dad to complain about me (not attending skating). Wtf? And my dad, in typical fashion was essentially asking me to explain myself tonight.
I'm working hard to be mature but it's for the birds. In my dreams, I'd have a dad that would stick up for me and never think twice about taking his daughter's side. Instead, I get stuck with Mr. I Need to Bond with Every Other Male (Throw my Daughter Under the Bus). I'm working on sending my dad a nice e-mail (since I'm not sure I can talk calmly) to please leave me out of whatever interactions he has with the ex. I should never have to explain my actions, period. If my dad questions how I'm treating G, tough. You raised your kids (and my therapists thank you immensely), I'll raise mine.
The final kicker is that I'm feeling megafat, this week. 40 lbs less than the 1st pregnancy, but my belly looks like I'm about to deliver. I'm a stone's throw away from wearing a kilt and making like 'Fat Bastard.' But my skin's too thin for the ribbing, so there ya have it.
The truth is, ya just can't win, and I know that, but sometimes...ya know it but you still want it, more than anything. Ya can almost taste it, even as you know it's rarely, if ever going to happen. House of Daggers is one of my favorite films. The antihero asks the heroine what she wants and she answers honestly. She wants the wind to stop and wait for her. It's completely irrational, unreasonable but it's what she wants. And in the end, she's in reach of her goal before circumstances take her down (I desperately want A to watch this movie with me). But I like the movie's romanticism. Bottom line: to roller coasters and romanticism (I guess), even if it makes my brain melt. I will be looking forward to down time with A, though.
Roller coaster with G today. He is still panicking every time I leave the room. It's infuriating. I go 2 steps where he can't see me and he's screaming my name. This never happened before. I don't know if it's because of Europe, he's really convinced that I'd leave him. It sucks.
I have been showing my temper more, which doesn't help. He told me he's convinced that I hate him when I'm mad. I keep reassuring him, I love you always, I love you forever. It helps, but he's still afraid. And with the baby pending, I have to be careful to refer to G as my 1st born versus saying 'You're the best," all the time, since that won't be fair to the new baby.
And G thought I was pregnant with him first, before my ex and I got married. This pregnancy is confusing him. No, no, I corrected him. Marriage first, then babies. Mommy did it backwards this time.
The up side is that I did entertain G with the stories of when he was born. And I drew similarities between him and his brother. Both pregnancies caught me unawares, so I could honestly tell G that they both hid in my tummy. G was my miracle baby: a surprise after 2 years of trying to conceive with the ex.... I was being wheeled to the operating room for a tonsillectomy when the surgeon stopped the OR prep and insisted that I take a pregnancy test. Who knew? And Jack, well, proof that A never has to worry about his fertility. But G giggled at the 'hiding in my tummy' stories and proclaimed me 'the best mom ever!' That was cool. Wish I had a tape recorder!
The downer: my ex, of course. He's good, he's a jerk, he's always up to something. After spending all day last Saturday with him and G in Baltimore, for Mattie's 1st communion, I warned him that I probably wouldn't make G's skating lesson. I was feeling carsick on the return trip from Towson and the lack of sleep the night before was brutal. Turns out the weasel called my dad to complain about me (not attending skating). Wtf? And my dad, in typical fashion was essentially asking me to explain myself tonight.
I'm working hard to be mature but it's for the birds. In my dreams, I'd have a dad that would stick up for me and never think twice about taking his daughter's side. Instead, I get stuck with Mr. I Need to Bond with Every Other Male (Throw my Daughter Under the Bus). I'm working on sending my dad a nice e-mail (since I'm not sure I can talk calmly) to please leave me out of whatever interactions he has with the ex. I should never have to explain my actions, period. If my dad questions how I'm treating G, tough. You raised your kids (and my therapists thank you immensely), I'll raise mine.
The final kicker is that I'm feeling megafat, this week. 40 lbs less than the 1st pregnancy, but my belly looks like I'm about to deliver. I'm a stone's throw away from wearing a kilt and making like 'Fat Bastard.' But my skin's too thin for the ribbing, so there ya have it.
The truth is, ya just can't win, and I know that, but sometimes...ya know it but you still want it, more than anything. Ya can almost taste it, even as you know it's rarely, if ever going to happen. House of Daggers is one of my favorite films. The antihero asks the heroine what she wants and she answers honestly. She wants the wind to stop and wait for her. It's completely irrational, unreasonable but it's what she wants. And in the end, she's in reach of her goal before circumstances take her down (I desperately want A to watch this movie with me). But I like the movie's romanticism. Bottom line: to roller coasters and romanticism (I guess), even if it makes my brain melt. I will be looking forward to down time with A, though.
posted by Michelle at 8:34 PM
1 Comments:
Sorry you had a lousy day. I promise I'll watch Daggers with you. You are anything but fat. I was just thinking yesterday about how thin you are and that you can practically eat anything and not gain weight and how I wish the same was true for me.
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