1st pregnancy

To say the 1st pregnancy was much easier is an understatement. I was 5 years younger. I was 30 lbs. heavier than I am now but I don't recall limping along, during daytime hours and I certainly don't recall the stomach cramping. My female doctor noted that my uterus is hanging out of my distended belly [what the hell?]. Ironically, my male doctors tend to be more emotive and inquisitive - do I have any questions, is there anything I need? I do like the female doctor but our visits are very cursory and she wouldn't even hazard a guess re: Jack's weight. My favorite male doctor was right on the money when he guessed, 5 years ago.

But the stomach cramping, thanks to my distended uterus, sucks. Any suck it up attitude I had toward pain seems to have disappeared once I ran the marathon [back in 2000]. Now, I can't handle a toe stub. A says he wants another one and in theory, it'd be nice but I don't know if I can handle it. I'm not sure how I'll make it through the next 2 months. And sensitive Paul, everyone's favorite Marine [may G never be one] likes teasing me tha I'm a fat cow. Yeah, I'm sure his wife will love that if they go that route. And he wonders why I won't go out of my way for him. A nice guy, at other times, but too coarse for me.

Life is funny

My mom makes me laugh. She likes expensive things on a Walmart budget. Nothing makes her happier than stories of you fighting your way through hoards of people at a Macy's sale to grab the last, pristine article at a clearance price. She wants to hear that you walked away with Franco Sarto after spending $15. Not likely, but that's what she likes to hear.

My ex, he was interesting. Money was no object if 1) it involved hospitality, 2) his pride or 3) both. I lived life well for awhile. Had a Volvo C70 before 30, while travellling to Europe for work and lived in a McMansion that fell shy of 6K square feet. Though I miss the house and the car, can't say I miss the ex too much. But it was nice for awhile.

Life has been good the past couple of years. After divorce, you're supposed to feel pinched, from lost income; my ex had been so tight with the money, I actually felt free, making the budget decisions for the first time in years. My credit's decent and while I spent more than I liked on lawyers, they were worth every penny and I've stayed solvent.

So it's funny to me when people want to fight over money. My counterpart is mad because the wedding price tag is mounting. I don't want to care about the price tage since 1) I have no plans to marry again after this and 2) I don't want to have regrets.

I'm 7 months pregnant, getting married. Where's the frikkin fun in that? My belly is hitting the floor and I can be a good sport about [haha] needing bumper beepers and stickers but it's not ok for me to want a ceremony and a dress. 2nd wife, 2nd time, what were the odds but I'm supposed to be content with a quiet courthouse wedding. Yeah, anyone but me.

Some friends I worked with liked telling me how difficult I am. Truthfully, it's almost a badge of honor. One guy gave me what should be my tomb inscription: I'm the 'worst' kind of woman. Because I think I'm low maintenance, but I'm not. I like attention. Frankly, I'm self sufficient [and I have no illusions about being low maintenance, since I'm very aware how little patience I have], I rarely ask anyone for anything. That makes me difficult, bully for me. I give what I get. Take it or leave it. Anyone can tell me I'm not good with money. But facts are, my ex tried to bankrupt me and while he may still be trying, I'm still here, credit intact. Anyone that wishes to call me irreponsible, let's see how they work their way out of $40K worth of bills and see how they're still standing.

Life is short. No one wishes that they could have deprived themselves more for bigger savings, on their death bed. And if my son or his sibling ever have the audacity to question how I spend my money, after putting them first, however old I am, I'll tan their hides. But life is funny, hearing the things that people say.

Seeing Jay

My ex dumped G and my former nephew Jay off at the last minute, so he could play softball. I get so pissed, I was trying to organize my storage space so I have space for A when he moves in. And my ex, of course, wants to believe that his needs are more valid than mine. Figures, when things were starting to be amicable between us. However, inconvenient it was though, it's nice to see Jay. My heart will always go out to him, since Carol will never be the mother he wants, the mother she should be.

Of 4 kids, Jay is the last and final kid to choose to live with his Dad or grandpa, versus living with his mom. Her lifestyle is too volatile. She has left her current husband 11+ times and while I can sympathize with most women, I find it puzzling that Carol has the financial means to live on her own [she's a nurse] but she refuses to protect and nurture her kids.

Jay looks so much healthier now. No gray smudges under his eyes. He's allowed to grow his hair a normal length now and he seems much more assured than he was. How nice to see him healthier and happier. I wish I could take off from work tomorrow to entertain him and G but work has been too crazy.

My new theory on sloppiness is it's a refusal to grow up. Me: it's partly rebellion and adjustment, since I'll miss the space of the old house a good while [my clutter piles were minimal amidst all that space]. Jay supports my theory. He says his rooms's a mess. I don't know what it is but it's comforting to know that when you're room is a mess, you're the only one that can complain and you'll fix it when you get around to it. And messiness can be such a nice barrier, when needed. No more messiness for me, though, with A moving in. Even the car will have to be cleaned for the new kid.

But on seeing Jay, I'm happy. Hopefully, I can still be an auntie to him. He's the only Yannotti relation that I talk to anymore.

wtf

Wtf is wrong with my family, my mom specifically. My godmother is stateside for undisclosed medical problems and I haven't heard about it and my cousin's mom is in the hospital a 2nd time for heart trouble [since this past Christmas] and I have to hear about this from my cousin? Instead, my mom treats me to her irritation with Tivo, since my dad can't get it to work. This is like 2 years ago: my best friend from H.S. lost her dad and I don't hear a word until after the funeral. Thanks, thanks for thinking to tell me.

This is why I obsess over my mom's mental health. Isn't it normal to tell people when something is wrong? Isn't it normal to pass on news, whether it's good or bad? What the hell? I would be so crushed if Tita Dita dies before I see her. She asked me to visit and I haven't got around to it. She's in NY but it's not like it's that far away. The guilt, the frikkin' guilt that I'll feel. God willing, she'll pull through.

I know people don't live forever but I stil can't help feeling robbed when people go. All the things that you could've said or done differently. And the fact that my godmother is stateside -- that's huge news! She's a world away in the Philippines. Have to love being the last to know. Beautiful.

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A moves in next week: is he ready? Am I ready? We've already established I will never meet his standards. I am comfortable with managed clutter [small, multiple piles of magazines, mail and whatnot] and I've gotten rid of 4 piles. Of course, now that I'm down to 2 piles, he visits and still sees a mess. Not a good sign by any means.

But we did have the best time 4th of July. Hit Old Town Manassas for the holiday festival and listened to rockabilly sounds of the Grandsons, saw Gov. Tim Kaine, watched G bob for apples and saw the most amazing fireworks I've ever seen. They outdid the Capitol Mall fireworks significantly [and I'm a huge DC snob when it comes to fireworks]. I should've remembered the Southern penchant for explosives. It was the most time that A, G and I have spent together and it was good, quality family time: http://andrewwilsondesign.com/july07 .