Control and Happiness
I would be a lot happier if I knew that I could control more things: not overly so, but it'd be nice to know that there could be more happy endings; it'd be nice to know that there didn't have to be too much pain. Of course, maybe life would be a lot more boring, but sometimes, you just wish for more happy endings.
This is the week that I meet Drue's family (for his nephew's wedding). I should be excited, but it all seems anti-climactic. Drue has expressed concerns about work enough (DC doesn't seem like a design capital) that I wouldn't be surprised if he left for greener pastures.
In a lot of ways, Drue seems like he was made to order for me. He's smart, he's funny...he's passionate about politics, he loves the arts, he loves good food. Sensually, he rivals my desires, wants and needs. But he's not much of a kid at heart (hardly at all) and he makes clear enough the ten million ways he'd like to remake me.
It's God's joke or Eric's revenge: Eric was physically perfect with brown curly hair, brown eyes, killer teeth and a killer smile (and the beloved size 32 waist). I fretted that our relationship was too physical, but the reality is that he's the only man that told me that he wanted to have little Michelles and Erics running around and he's one of two men that accepted me the way I am. As time goes on, I think I really fucked up, not looking him up after college.
Eton too: light curly brown hair, hazel eyes (my favorite) and he swore that I was the one for him. I'll always wonder, what it would be like to run into him again, him and his little girl and me and little G. Instead, Drue fits the bill but I'm tired of hearing how I don't satisfy his designer needs or whatever the hell you want to call it.
It's like I've been an interloper in his life and he's merely looking to resume his previous life with his ex, his little fashionista. Three weeks ago, he called me by her name, which didn't bug me at the time. Last night, he gazed wistfully at some frozen dinner garbage and mentioned that his ex ate that stuff. Perhaps they'll reunite when he spends the night at her place and they can spend the rest of their lives together, remaking the other.
I think I've hit the 'Fuck it," portion of my life. I didn't have enough faith to wait for someone who 'loved' me to get married. My parents are from another time and place where they believe it's better to be married before you're 30. Why I gave in to that pressure, I'll never know. It was a bad choice. But I have G now and I'm grateful. Of course, for all the guys that turn their nose up at my having a kid, you'd think having a kid is akin to having the plague. Hard to believe in the coming weeks to 2007.
I think it matters less to have someone smart and politically passionate than someone who accepts me. So maybe I was too harsh towards Eric and Eton. Drue's still a good guy, but I don't think it could be any clearer that he's not made for the DC area. He'll always be CA guy to me. Whatever happens should be interesting.
This is the week that I meet Drue's family (for his nephew's wedding). I should be excited, but it all seems anti-climactic. Drue has expressed concerns about work enough (DC doesn't seem like a design capital) that I wouldn't be surprised if he left for greener pastures.
In a lot of ways, Drue seems like he was made to order for me. He's smart, he's funny...he's passionate about politics, he loves the arts, he loves good food. Sensually, he rivals my desires, wants and needs. But he's not much of a kid at heart (hardly at all) and he makes clear enough the ten million ways he'd like to remake me.
It's God's joke or Eric's revenge: Eric was physically perfect with brown curly hair, brown eyes, killer teeth and a killer smile (and the beloved size 32 waist). I fretted that our relationship was too physical, but the reality is that he's the only man that told me that he wanted to have little Michelles and Erics running around and he's one of two men that accepted me the way I am. As time goes on, I think I really fucked up, not looking him up after college.
Eton too: light curly brown hair, hazel eyes (my favorite) and he swore that I was the one for him. I'll always wonder, what it would be like to run into him again, him and his little girl and me and little G. Instead, Drue fits the bill but I'm tired of hearing how I don't satisfy his designer needs or whatever the hell you want to call it.
It's like I've been an interloper in his life and he's merely looking to resume his previous life with his ex, his little fashionista. Three weeks ago, he called me by her name, which didn't bug me at the time. Last night, he gazed wistfully at some frozen dinner garbage and mentioned that his ex ate that stuff. Perhaps they'll reunite when he spends the night at her place and they can spend the rest of their lives together, remaking the other.
I think I've hit the 'Fuck it," portion of my life. I didn't have enough faith to wait for someone who 'loved' me to get married. My parents are from another time and place where they believe it's better to be married before you're 30. Why I gave in to that pressure, I'll never know. It was a bad choice. But I have G now and I'm grateful. Of course, for all the guys that turn their nose up at my having a kid, you'd think having a kid is akin to having the plague. Hard to believe in the coming weeks to 2007.
I think it matters less to have someone smart and politically passionate than someone who accepts me. So maybe I was too harsh towards Eric and Eton. Drue's still a good guy, but I don't think it could be any clearer that he's not made for the DC area. He'll always be CA guy to me. Whatever happens should be interesting.
posted by Michelle at 1:33 PM
2 Comments:
you should consider talking to him about it, rather than writing about it online.
just a thought.
Wow...can't believe I found you here through cyber happenstance, Michelle! It did (does) my heart good to know you still think of me sometimes (yep...I'm up late reading your blogs). I wish you had looked me up after college, too :)...still have all your letters (yeah...I'm still a sentimental fool...). I think of you often and hope you are well. God bless you and your family...
Peace 'n Love,
Eric
Post a Comment
<< Home