I wish

I wish so many things. It's pretty outside: near full moon and there's a dusting of snow. And I wish so many things. I wish that I was braver. I wish that I didn't worry so much. And I wish that I was less of a coward. I rolled my car, years ago and walked away from it. And I wasn't scared then. Exhilarated, emotional, shocked. But not scared.

I've jumped out of a plane. And I was scared then. But the adrenaline was amazing. Took me half a day to calm down but it was the best emotional high I've ever had (besides G being born). And scuba diving: my biggest worry was that I wouldn't get to dive, it took my sinuses forever to clear. And I wasn't scared then.

Each year, I'm supposed to be a little wiser (you would think), but it just feels like there are new worries. The death thing has me really freaked out. George Yee went from reasonably healthy to terminally ill in 8 days. 8 days. Grace's mom was young, beautiful and had good health habits. Both she and George actually. And they were the first to go. It gets so that you almost don't want the phone to ring, if the phone will herald more bad news about someone else.

My parents are older. My mom is in her 70s. I thought El and I would be the ones dealing with death first (not that I wish it; it's just what I imagined). Instead, cancer has taken the young ones and I'm terrified. I want there to be guarantees. I want to believe that there are right answers. I know there aren't but I did think that you could reasonably keep death at bay. I don't know why the hell I thought that, but I just really wanted to believe it.

I honestly have difficulty imagining myself living past 50. I'd like to. I'd like to see G form his own family, see him prosper. But my family history's not too hot in the cancer arena. Breast cancer, big check. Ovarian, check. And that lovely ulcer -- throat cancer, check check. Funny, considering I'm not a regular cigarette smoker.

And when it comes to life, how do you measure whether you've spent your time wisely? I can't imagine something too different from It's a Wonderful Life, as cheesy as that is. What a great movie though. I'm just a humongous ball of cowardice, overall. I hate when the elements are unknown. I love the thought of scuba diving, because the chances are that if you stay calm, you see a whole new world and it gives you the illusion of control.

I do wish that I could be more of a free spirit. But it's not really who I am. I like the illusion of control. I haven't accepted death as a process of life (even though I know it is). And I'm terrified, stone cold terrified. And I wish I wasn't.

I love riding on motorcycles (as the passenger) but I'm scared to death that I'd wreck on my own. Yet, as the passenger, I don't really care. I'd care if I wrecked, but it's the driver's worry, not mine. And that's the story of my life, fighting the urge to worry.

Yoga, I'll have to try yoga. But I've said that for a year and I haven't. Maybe because I'm afraid that I'll like it!