Corinthians

http://www.nccbuscc.org/nab/bible/1corinthians/1corinthians13.htm

Because my ex was so popular, I've attended more than my share of weddings. And my eyes used to roll towards the back of my head, because most people picked the reading above to define their love. And it's beautiful, when you really think about what Paul wrote. But I've always wondered, and always will, how many people truly understand the passage.

I won't even pretend to get it. I understand parts of it. I don't know that I can truly say that I'm an adult, since I'll cop to being juvenile most anytime. When I have to play parent with G, then I can say that I work to be mature. But otherwise, I feel frozen between 4 and 14.

When I married my ex, I thought that you didn't have to marry for love, I believed that I was marrying a friend who respected me and I thought that everything would work itself out. Now, I know that I was merely an object for my ex to either abuse or parade around for his friends' admiration. And I do believe that he was never taught what it takes to make a relationship successful.

Hell, I wasn't taught what a good relationship is. But I knew enough that you never, ever, ever argue in front of the kids (as my parents did). If you disagree, you work towards compromise. It seems so clear cut, but I've never had a relationship based on compromise.

With Eton and Eric, there were failed promises. With Tom, I didn't even realize that we were competing with one another, until our relationship changed after I beat him in a fiction contest. And then, it was never the same...ennui. Porter, I thought we had the perfect relationship. But he was holding every disagreeable emotion inside, until he exploded. So after our parents met each other, after he suggested marriage, we walked away. Or he threw tantrums and I told him to stuff it. And now, here's Drue.

I know that I hope for so many things. I want to see our relationship grow and flourish. I love Drue (and his family) and I hope that I can continue to be a part of his life. I hope that he would never ask me to be less than I am. I hope that he would love my son and never speak harshly towards G or me (there's that idealism again). I hope that he would treat us both with dignity and respect. It's been 10.5 beautiful months (1.5 month was rough). I would hope that there's always a way forward and room for compromise.

I always wonder why Drue sought out abusive relationships previously: by his own account, in 2 previous relationships, he was henpecked, to put it kindly. I worry if he'd ever look to overcompensate for that, if he'd seek to be 'the one in charge.' Naive or not, I believe in collaboration. And that's the critical question, can we collaborate together. I'm not seeking to embrace darkness and I think Drue has so many positives. Hopefully, we can enjoy the sunlight together.

I suppose I shall continue to hope for happy endings. In the myth of Pygmalion and Galatea (one of my favorites, ironically), a man creates a woman of his dreams and showers her with adoration. You never see the aftermath, if the 2 of them just bitched at each other until the end of time. But I always want to believe, that they both acknowledged the gift of each other's presence.

http://www.loggia.com/myth/galatea.html

Assuredly, life would be easier if I were less idealistic.