?
I woke this morning and realized I slept late for me: it's going on 9:30a.m. I'm usually up by 8 (not by choice but habit). When I went downstairs to make coffee, I watched a bird cavorting in a mud puddle, its own personal bird bath. But the squirrels seemed to have a Hatfields McCoy issue with the bird and chased it off. Then I watched the squirrels, the selfish buggers, play in parallel, 1 tree away from the other. I wonder if I'm like the sqirrels and while, of course, I'm selfish, I would never chase someone off (though I do like having open spaces to myself). Mentally encourage folks to leave, maybe, but that's it.
Strange dream: I was in PR and my ex in-laws were there. And G was supposed to be with me but he was playing with his cousins and no one seemed to care where he was. And I walked a couple of streets down and water was rising, having flooded one street. And when I began climbing back up the street I'd walked upon, I was walking up a pile of semi-dry, semi-wet sand. And lastly, I encountered a man that was so extremely well-defined, in that scary, steroid kind of way, that I stared fascinated as his chest moved in strange machinations. His chest was also covered in a colorful, Aztec looking tattoo.
I'm guessing it all has to do with my fear re: little G. I'm scared that my efforts won't mean anything, scared that my son will be a sociopath, just like his dad (the nice, everyone likes him sociopath documented in The Sociopath Next Door). 2 girls have called little G a monster at school. 1 of them was Eva, a very sweet, strong-willed girl that came to G's party. The 1st Monster comment came from a girl that G liked, but I hadn't met her. My sister says that I'm overreacting. But I'm scared that my ex will encourage my son towards non-accountability. He's 5, you can argue that it doesn't matter, but all I can think is that this is when a kid's most vulnerable. Everything matters. Right in front of me, my ex joked to little G not to have any girl kids. It wasn't funny. I reprimanded Gino in front of G, because old habits die hard and because, what a horrible thing to say!
It hurts, my ex always knew how to hurt me (and my dad made no secret that he preferred boys to girls). And what a coup for him, if he emotionally kills G. Poor G.He'll probably grow up thinking his mom is a basket case (which is a fair statement, I think) and hate women (hopefully not).
I always wonder if my ex-mother -in-law (now deceased) understood, really understood the hatred that ran in her family. She hated her husband and made no secret of it. She and her ex (I really wonder if our divorce spurred her divorce, because it is rather strange to leave someone after 40+ years, when you're dying) fought in front of the kids. As soon as I really comprehended what kind of family I married into and what kind of role models G would encounter (thank you brother Rocco, because you made it crystal clear), I was working on that divorce. And now all the boys in the family say women are crazy. And wouldn't you know, brother Rocco lived in CA most of his adult life. He and TR (youngest and oldest) are the sanest of the bunch.
My former nephew Rocco, I pray he remembers what I taught him: respect is a two-way street. You can't demand what you don't give. I struggled to like his mom, Carol, but it was hard. She's a bible-thumper that changes her tone to suit her actions. She left and returned to her 2nd husband 11 times. She constantly devalued Rocco, in his prescence(nice, motherly love). She didn't work to protect the kids (4 of them). Her spouse threatened to burn down the house with the youngest child in it and she still didn't leave him. Yeah, that's Christian love. But if she's finally left him, good for her.
I'm not a shining example either, and I did need someone else to show me what love is supposed to be like. But I've always cared about protecting kids. Because I was never really protected (which sucks, but that's life) it galls me whenever I see other people value kids so little. I think I would crumple up and die to see the way childhoods are violated by the ethnic hatred in Africa.
Saw Jim Gaffigan last night and love him. I like his bit with the disapproving, Midwestern voice. Cool, cool guy. Have coffee made and need to get the house tidied. Love the holidays.
Strange dream: I was in PR and my ex in-laws were there. And G was supposed to be with me but he was playing with his cousins and no one seemed to care where he was. And I walked a couple of streets down and water was rising, having flooded one street. And when I began climbing back up the street I'd walked upon, I was walking up a pile of semi-dry, semi-wet sand. And lastly, I encountered a man that was so extremely well-defined, in that scary, steroid kind of way, that I stared fascinated as his chest moved in strange machinations. His chest was also covered in a colorful, Aztec looking tattoo.
I'm guessing it all has to do with my fear re: little G. I'm scared that my efforts won't mean anything, scared that my son will be a sociopath, just like his dad (the nice, everyone likes him sociopath documented in The Sociopath Next Door). 2 girls have called little G a monster at school. 1 of them was Eva, a very sweet, strong-willed girl that came to G's party. The 1st Monster comment came from a girl that G liked, but I hadn't met her. My sister says that I'm overreacting. But I'm scared that my ex will encourage my son towards non-accountability. He's 5, you can argue that it doesn't matter, but all I can think is that this is when a kid's most vulnerable. Everything matters. Right in front of me, my ex joked to little G not to have any girl kids. It wasn't funny. I reprimanded Gino in front of G, because old habits die hard and because, what a horrible thing to say!
It hurts, my ex always knew how to hurt me (and my dad made no secret that he preferred boys to girls). And what a coup for him, if he emotionally kills G. Poor G.He'll probably grow up thinking his mom is a basket case (which is a fair statement, I think) and hate women (hopefully not).
I always wonder if my ex-mother -in-law (now deceased) understood, really understood the hatred that ran in her family. She hated her husband and made no secret of it. She and her ex (I really wonder if our divorce spurred her divorce, because it is rather strange to leave someone after 40+ years, when you're dying) fought in front of the kids. As soon as I really comprehended what kind of family I married into and what kind of role models G would encounter (thank you brother Rocco, because you made it crystal clear), I was working on that divorce. And now all the boys in the family say women are crazy. And wouldn't you know, brother Rocco lived in CA most of his adult life. He and TR (youngest and oldest) are the sanest of the bunch.
My former nephew Rocco, I pray he remembers what I taught him: respect is a two-way street. You can't demand what you don't give. I struggled to like his mom, Carol, but it was hard. She's a bible-thumper that changes her tone to suit her actions. She left and returned to her 2nd husband 11 times. She constantly devalued Rocco, in his prescence(nice, motherly love). She didn't work to protect the kids (4 of them). Her spouse threatened to burn down the house with the youngest child in it and she still didn't leave him. Yeah, that's Christian love. But if she's finally left him, good for her.
I'm not a shining example either, and I did need someone else to show me what love is supposed to be like. But I've always cared about protecting kids. Because I was never really protected (which sucks, but that's life) it galls me whenever I see other people value kids so little. I think I would crumple up and die to see the way childhoods are violated by the ethnic hatred in Africa.
Saw Jim Gaffigan last night and love him. I like his bit with the disapproving, Midwestern voice. Cool, cool guy. Have coffee made and need to get the house tidied. Love the holidays.
posted by Michelle at 6:58 AM
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