Sometimes...

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really meant for this world. I idealize most things, gloss things over and am so uncomfortable with the ugly truths of life. Ugly truths that can't be denied:

• Homelessness seems to be a growing problem again, and there don't seem to be enough resources to take care of people -- in CA, abandoned shopping carts accented the streets, silent monuments to their former owners -- here in DC, the homeless have become a little more aggressive, gathering around plaza benches to stake out their homes, loudly soliciting donations and occasionally hurling insults if you don't


• The gap between rich and poor also seems worse and it makes me choke when people say the economy's booming, since I don't see it -- there are still folks struggling to recover from Katrina, but you don't hear about them anymore


• Death is still our great unifier and I admit, I wanted more of a vacation from it -- two aunts and an uncle are now sick enough to be hospitalized -- a longer vacation from Death's reminders would have been nice.

On a personal level, the struggle to be happy continues. For the most part, I think I am. My parents drive me crazy (my mom still equates control with love; if I loved her -- so she has said-- I would succumb to her every wish). But I am grateful to have them. The boyfriend, still good. His family rocks.

I do wonder if I'm unrealistic. I have this ideal that a healthy relationship entails seeing a person's flaws, but not dwelling on them. You accept what you can and let the other person just be. You treat each other like adults, allow each other your dignity and as disagreements arise, you negotiate around them or wait until you're calm enough to do so. And you delight in each other's company. And as long as the answer is that you're better off with him or her, you stay.

Drue's my favorite guy thus far, since I have the most in common with him. I worry when he's plagued by self-doubt because, what if that unhappiness rolls my way. Fear, that familiar emotion. I hate it and yet, it's gotten me this far. Finding that balance, between happiness and precaution. Is there really such a thing as cautious happiness?

I dream of the day when I can laugh in the wind, all worries fluttering away like red balloons, bopping, bumping, floating further, further away.

Note: G's birthday was Tuesday. My baby, it's true what they say, you grow too fast.