Sometimes

Sometimes, you just can't win. I know this but it still rankles me. G had a rough night last night. He had a really bad cough and it makes me nuts -- every time he returns from upstate NY, he's coming down with something. His dad left him alone with his cousins for two days. Nice, big family. But what bums me the most is G was up at 3 in the morning and wanting to talk about the fights the ex and I had and how his dad pushed me a lot (fond memories).

It's really a struggle not to say anything bad. I just emphasize that I don't think his dad was taught how to fight fair, that you can't push people around. I work so hard to shower G with love, but when he recalls the the bad times, it makes me feel like the damage is done and I'm not doing enough.

And as if that didn't make this enough of a bad day, A drops it on me the other night that he's celebrating his sobriety anniversary...'it's not a big deal,' but would I be there. My first thought is of course, but when I tell him tonight that my folks can watch G for a couple of hours, it's not enough and I'm told not to bother. It's a really big deal for me to sacrifice time with G (huge, actually) but A's disappointed that I can't get a night off (despite the fact that I'm sacrificing a week's worth of time with G for vacation with A).

I hate being at fault and I hate that my best isn't good enough. And it just reinforces my belief that I have to choose between them. The balancing act just doesn't seem to be working lately. Gotta love the days when you can't win.