figuring out year end

Greenspan's suggestion of recession has me concerned. A and I were talking about getting a bigger place (which would be nice) since my place will be a tight fit but given recent economic news, I'm less enthusiastic about the new house now. That and the fact that there hasn't been talk about contract renewals at work ( a return to the job shuffle) and I'm eager to save with the best of them.

A was nice and said his place seems too quiet at times and it's nice to think that maybe he won't mind the family life too much. Should be interesting. As I get closer to the due date, it'll be nice to have him here.

G only wants a little brother. I laughed when I told him it's not up to us. He admitted he wouldn't mind a little sister but I know he wants that little brother. March 20 we'll find out. I'm so tired all the time. I don't remember the 1st pregnancy tiring me out this much. But I've forgotten so much!

It feels like September is just around the corner, to me. Maybe to no one else, but I'm feeling it. I do hope that my water breaks. It'll be a complete drag if they have to induce.

Funny, 12/26 was G's due date and baby W is due 9/26. That'd be too funny if the baby came around 9/19, early like G. I imagine A is somewhat relieved he won't have to share his birthday. I'm not sure I would want to. Here's to a healthy new kid!

The new kid on film summary

I was shocked. Things have dramatically changed from my 1st pregnancy. Last time, the 1st visit (5 years ago) I don't recall getting a sonogram. It was just a nurse and the doctor presiding over a Doppler machine, the little handheld that helped pick up the baby's heartbeat. This time, I was treated to a little sonogram of the new kid, Baby W and I felt bad, since I didn't think the visit would merit Andreas having to take off from work.

The new kid looks good. The only thing that drives me nuts is Dr. Silas refuses to address my weight (maybe because he's too PC or he knows I'll obsess over it). All indications, so far, is I'm close to the ideal target weight, which is nice, given the last time (overall), I gained double the desired weight. No more OJ cravings for me. Hopefully, Baby W will still be smart.

The next visit, the baby will be on display for a full-color, 4-D sonogram. Ultra cool! I did make sure Andreas has the date on his calendar, since that's a visit that shouldn't be missed. The only downer is my age and the obligatory Down's syndrome tests. My mom had El when she was 42, back in '74, back before pregnancies after 35 were fashionable. With my mom's genes (hopefully) everything should be ok.

It's neat to feel the baby. I can feel the flutter movements on occasion. It's cool, though with G, I couldn't feel it until much later. G is enamored with the thought of a brother or sister though his 1st prediction was twins. He's excited at the thought of bossing someone around. He's already working on nicknames for the baby, though his 1st choice will be discouraged: 'crab.' But it keeps me entertained.

On a different note, wish the ex could be dismissed as a parent. He's taking G to McD's 8x a month. That man's an idiot. His grandad dropped dead of a heart attack at 48. Given the fat content of McD's and my ex's family history, I think G's visits should be rare. He laughed when I told him he's killing G. Guess we'll find out (1.5 year left) if my ex has the heart attack gene or if I'll have to worry about G. Not much I can do there. But with diabetes, gambling, loss of hearing in one's 20s and depression all factors in my family history, my family history isn't impeccable either. And Andreas wonders why I'm not a Vegas fan (no need to see how bad I can get). Anyway, the Baby W show next month should be fun. Finding out the sex, that'll be cool too.

$80K down the drain

Ugh. One of those months. Work's good and I got to stay home with G this past Tuesday and Wednesday due to G not feeling well and the weather was just plain crazy, ice everywhere. But I'm pretty bummed to discover that I can't refinance and rent, as I had hoped.

The mortgage guy had my hopes up, telling me that I could refinance my place for $1500 a month, fully amortized. I was in heaven. He even told me that my credit was closer to perfect than I previously thought, 24 points from 800. Then he started backtracking when he had difficulty pulling comps from my area. Places just aren't selling. What a rip! Assuming I'm able to sell, I'll have to settle for paying off my 1st mortgage and not my 2nd. I'll have spent more on this new kid than I'll ever spend on G prior to college. And the new kid will never see any of it! But, the new kid is the reason Andreas and I are even looking at new places.

I'm curious to see what Andreas will want, house-wise. He wants to be closer to work, as close to Chantilly as you can get. But he doesn't like cookie-cutter homes and he wants acreage which places him further from Chantilly, down towards my area. He wants at least an acre which means Davis Ford area, which is what I want. So it'll be interesting what's more important to Andreas. I admit, I have mixed feelings about Chantilly. I need to run the crime stats and I don't know anything about the schools. But the big circle I'll be making will be somewhat irritating, since I'll be dropping G off at school in Manassas/Manassas Park. I haven't even discussed daycare for the new kid. I'd like to use the same school for the new kid. They took and continue to take good care of G and I like the emphasis on emotional care and the bright colors of the infant's room. But I can resign myself to a Chantilly commute, if that's what A wants. I can't imagine him saying that he'll want a place with less than an acre: we'll see.

I'm loathe to spend much though: that $80K. That's what I get for wanting a new place.

Things to be crabby/things to be happy about

Things to be crabby about:

• I can't sleep ( I should get coping tips from A)


• A and I will have to negotiate the taxes next year -- who gets the write-off for new kid (ugh!) since you have to alternate years


• Did I mention that I can't sleep


• Freezer is leaking because I let the ice in the icebox get too high


• Heater problems because of design flaw: water damage in the garage and my utility closet


• G's eczema is outrageously bad (his stupid dad) and he has a mild fever

Things to be happy about:

• The new kid: a complicating factor, but a blessing


• The new kid means a $900 deduction (it counts)

• A should be happy because the new kid will be his 1st

• I've been fearful that I'll be as fat as last pregnancy but I've only gained 2 lbs -- ideal weight gain is 3 (1st month), so I'm on target
• G and I baked chocolate chip cookies last night and he discovered the joys of cookie dough -- he was fun to watch
• Even though I drive Andreas crazy, he's still around, still sweet
• I still have some peace of mind and I'm discovering meditation
• Other than G requesting extra babying, he has exceeded teacher expectations in pre-K so I'm very proud that his regression following the divorce was minimal
• I have cool god-kids (Raul Jr. and g last Feb)

Note: spacing is off, but it's 4:00a.m. and I can't sleep; c'est la vie

fear wins

We were laughing over a co-worker's stories but it really wasn't funny. Parts were but overall it wasn't: a co-worker's ex spouse is apparently a bit of a fruitcake...someone who is quite angry, self-absorbed and someone who has taught one of their children to be the same way. Me, being me, I'm always drawing the parallels and Don's experience isn't too different...married 7 years prior to divorce...ex is always negative (though mine put the facade on for everyone else). Ex's feelings are more important than the kids. But it was funny imagining Don being married to someone like that, he's so logical and light hearted. It stopped being funny the minute he mentioned being a stepparent.

In one breath, Don mentions that he was the worst stepparent ever, that he doesn't put much stock in blended families where one parent has never parented before (prior to his 2 kids with the ex, he hadn't parented and his expectations were unrealistic, per him). And it's not fair to Andreas but I'm expecting the worst from him, moments after Don's story. And I'm trying not to be but I'm pretty damn scared.

Andreas has been good to G but I'm extremely aware that G irritates him, to put it kindly. G is not his son, not his blood relation and despite the fact that I would've expected them to have more in common (G at 4, was at an age where Andreas could do no wrong) I don't see them ever having a decent relationship. G will always be the restriction, as far as my life with Andreas is concerned. Andreas can be as decent as he wants to be, but it's a fact, G limits me until he's 18.

Living together is not my 1st choice. It leaves me open to a custody challenge and I've always worked to set a good example for my son. But getting married for the sake of saving face, now that the new kid is expected is not exactly palatable either.

And the new kid may well tear us apart. Andreas and I had such a nice routine. He would complain about it, our week on and week off but the truth is, it's fair to say that our hearts grew fonder, I believe. You're not going to be too excited about the folks that are under foot all day.

There won't be a break from the new kid and that's scary as hell (though Dave and Dusty have offered, thank God). I honestly thought birth control was a formality for me since it took me over 2 years to conceive the 1st time. G has always been my miracle baby. So new kid has been quite the surprise.

I hate struggling with fear. And I know better, I really do. Andreas is a good man and even when he loses his temper, he is pretty decent about reconciling. Some of the things he does say when he's angry, I tell him, are not ok. He hasn't learned the rules of fair fighting (say what ticks you off but don't escalate the argument to your partner never doing anything right -- it's a lie and a personal attack; give your partner the benefit of the doubt and when that's hard to do, discuss another time to talk more rationally). After working to save 1 troubled marriage -- 4 counselors, 5 if you count my priest, you can summarize what you've learned more easily though I have no illusions about being an expert.

Day by day, my favorite mantra, and we'll pull through one way or another. Don's happily remarried, 10 years now I think. I hope Andreas and I will follow a similar path, when the time's right. And I trust he'll be more forgiving of G than Don was with his stepchildren. 'Til then, I think I'll begin filtering Don's stories, for the little peace of mind that I have left.

charlie brown

Valentine's Day is just around the corner and I charlie brown'd our celebration weekend. I was supposed to cook a nice, romantic dinner for just the two of us. The fact is, I've talked about cooking dinner for Andreas for a year now and while my intentions have been good, things just haven't quite worked out.

Friday would have been the perfect day for us to celebrate, but the almost-brother-in-law (ABIL -having dated my sister over a year, if not two now) switched her birthday celebration from Thursday to Friday. So Friday was nixed. I comforted myself with the fact that I had Andreas' gift ready to go. My sister's, I didn't, but I figured I could swing by the bookstore, easily on the way to Andreas'.

Traffic wasn't great on the way home, I took longer cleaning up my place for Andreas (though I'll never be tidy enough for him) and I had no gift for El, while realizing that we'd have to drive to Silver Spring versus DC for El's bash. I now had no time to run to the store for El and I was rationalizing and cursing myself, of course. A's gift becomes El's gift and wouldn't you know it, Andreas got me the most thoughtful gift: two beautifully framed photographs -- one of G and one of G and me.

Saturday, I console myself, I will rebuy Andreas' gift and he'll like it because he had asked for it. But we see Pan's Labryinth (which I hated since it's about a sociopath during the fascist/Communist war in Spain and I thought it was supposed to be more of a fantasy movie) and we spend too much time looking at houses. I am tired and useless by the time we return to my place and I wonder how many special occasions I can flub for Andreas.

The cake and the cannolis that I had bought from Wild Flour were lackluster, which was a shock, given that their other food is amazing: incredible homemade soups and killer pastas. All I had for Andreas was a card. A store bought card that he had to squint over, given my squiggly writing. And people think I'm nice.

And I'm mad because Josie has asked me for a favor, reviewing a requirements document and she's never asked me for a favor before so I said yes before verifying it's length: 90 pages. I did tell her I would only provide comment versus fixing it, but I'm still mad at myself. It's the weekend and I'm working.

Life is silly and I need to be better about avoiding or just laughing about my charlie brown moments. I've a feeling that I will be a remedial student in this area, though. Still alive though. Still breathing. And it's hysterical to imagine how life will change with the new kid.

In truth

Andreas is a good guy (the only one I want) and G is a good kid. I worry too much. I do need to try yoga. And as for the new kid, well, you take your blessings where you can. I admit, I'll be curious if the new kid will look like Andreas, me or the both of us. Hopefully, the last.

what was I thinking?

What was I thinking or what were we thinking? I didn't get into this situation by myself. I'm pregnant again and this wasn't part of the plan. Andreas asked me to get tested again. I took the test twice and called the doc's for a blood test. Apparently, doctors do not run labwork for pregnancy anymore (too expensive). So, ept it is. Due date is September, Andreas' birthday month.

I have no concept re: merging/blending families. G and Andreas have behaved decently towards each other, but I keep waiting for the backlash. And my place is too small. 3 BRs: my room, G's room and the guest room. If Andreas moves in, he'll convert the guest room to his office and we'll all have fun adjusting to my cozy condo. 1800 ft seems big for G and me, tiny for 2 adults and a 5-year old and a baby.

The plan was complete autonomy: my weeks with G, my weeks with Andreas and everyone's happy. Now, a stranger is on the horizon and there will be no breaks from the baby (not right away).

I confess, I was horrified to hear that Andreas believes in 'crying it out.' I always wonder where people hear such things. My parents believed in my crying it out -- hello abandonment issues. I wonder if I could encourage Andreas to read parenting books. I'm no expert, but I know what I've read and it's helped. Dr. Brazelton is my favorite: Touchpoints, the Essential Reference. He too, chides parents that believe their child should cry it out and points out that you only teach the child that he/she shouldn't count on you.

Brazelton also points out that no stepparent should ever expect stepchildren to readily accept them or to be grateful. According to Brazelton, 'the smart stepparent will step back and leave it to the resident parent to decide when and where to act.' So far, Andreas has allowed me to handle G, but I remain concerned that G and Andreas will butt heads since Andreas likes things quiet and G varies.

I liked it better when I could compartmentalize everything. Life's easier that way! But here's to a little variety I guess.