fear wins
We were laughing over a co-worker's stories but it really wasn't funny. Parts were but overall it wasn't: a co-worker's ex spouse is apparently a bit of a fruitcake...someone who is quite angry, self-absorbed and someone who has taught one of their children to be the same way. Me, being me, I'm always drawing the parallels and Don's experience isn't too different...married 7 years prior to divorce...ex is always negative (though mine put the facade on for everyone else). Ex's feelings are more important than the kids. But it was funny imagining Don being married to someone like that, he's so logical and light hearted. It stopped being funny the minute he mentioned being a stepparent.
In one breath, Don mentions that he was the worst stepparent ever, that he doesn't put much stock in blended families where one parent has never parented before (prior to his 2 kids with the ex, he hadn't parented and his expectations were unrealistic, per him). And it's not fair to Andreas but I'm expecting the worst from him, moments after Don's story. And I'm trying not to be but I'm pretty damn scared.
Andreas has been good to G but I'm extremely aware that G irritates him, to put it kindly. G is not his son, not his blood relation and despite the fact that I would've expected them to have more in common (G at 4, was at an age where Andreas could do no wrong) I don't see them ever having a decent relationship. G will always be the restriction, as far as my life with Andreas is concerned. Andreas can be as decent as he wants to be, but it's a fact, G limits me until he's 18.
Living together is not my 1st choice. It leaves me open to a custody challenge and I've always worked to set a good example for my son. But getting married for the sake of saving face, now that the new kid is expected is not exactly palatable either.
And the new kid may well tear us apart. Andreas and I had such a nice routine. He would complain about it, our week on and week off but the truth is, it's fair to say that our hearts grew fonder, I believe. You're not going to be too excited about the folks that are under foot all day.
There won't be a break from the new kid and that's scary as hell (though Dave and Dusty have offered, thank God). I honestly thought birth control was a formality for me since it took me over 2 years to conceive the 1st time. G has always been my miracle baby. So new kid has been quite the surprise.
I hate struggling with fear. And I know better, I really do. Andreas is a good man and even when he loses his temper, he is pretty decent about reconciling. Some of the things he does say when he's angry, I tell him, are not ok. He hasn't learned the rules of fair fighting (say what ticks you off but don't escalate the argument to your partner never doing anything right -- it's a lie and a personal attack; give your partner the benefit of the doubt and when that's hard to do, discuss another time to talk more rationally). After working to save 1 troubled marriage -- 4 counselors, 5 if you count my priest, you can summarize what you've learned more easily though I have no illusions about being an expert.
Day by day, my favorite mantra, and we'll pull through one way or another. Don's happily remarried, 10 years now I think. I hope Andreas and I will follow a similar path, when the time's right. And I trust he'll be more forgiving of G than Don was with his stepchildren. 'Til then, I think I'll begin filtering Don's stories, for the little peace of mind that I have left.
In one breath, Don mentions that he was the worst stepparent ever, that he doesn't put much stock in blended families where one parent has never parented before (prior to his 2 kids with the ex, he hadn't parented and his expectations were unrealistic, per him). And it's not fair to Andreas but I'm expecting the worst from him, moments after Don's story. And I'm trying not to be but I'm pretty damn scared.
Andreas has been good to G but I'm extremely aware that G irritates him, to put it kindly. G is not his son, not his blood relation and despite the fact that I would've expected them to have more in common (G at 4, was at an age where Andreas could do no wrong) I don't see them ever having a decent relationship. G will always be the restriction, as far as my life with Andreas is concerned. Andreas can be as decent as he wants to be, but it's a fact, G limits me until he's 18.
Living together is not my 1st choice. It leaves me open to a custody challenge and I've always worked to set a good example for my son. But getting married for the sake of saving face, now that the new kid is expected is not exactly palatable either.
And the new kid may well tear us apart. Andreas and I had such a nice routine. He would complain about it, our week on and week off but the truth is, it's fair to say that our hearts grew fonder, I believe. You're not going to be too excited about the folks that are under foot all day.
There won't be a break from the new kid and that's scary as hell (though Dave and Dusty have offered, thank God). I honestly thought birth control was a formality for me since it took me over 2 years to conceive the 1st time. G has always been my miracle baby. So new kid has been quite the surprise.
I hate struggling with fear. And I know better, I really do. Andreas is a good man and even when he loses his temper, he is pretty decent about reconciling. Some of the things he does say when he's angry, I tell him, are not ok. He hasn't learned the rules of fair fighting (say what ticks you off but don't escalate the argument to your partner never doing anything right -- it's a lie and a personal attack; give your partner the benefit of the doubt and when that's hard to do, discuss another time to talk more rationally). After working to save 1 troubled marriage -- 4 counselors, 5 if you count my priest, you can summarize what you've learned more easily though I have no illusions about being an expert.
Day by day, my favorite mantra, and we'll pull through one way or another. Don's happily remarried, 10 years now I think. I hope Andreas and I will follow a similar path, when the time's right. And I trust he'll be more forgiving of G than Don was with his stepchildren. 'Til then, I think I'll begin filtering Don's stories, for the little peace of mind that I have left.
posted by Michelle at 8:12 PM
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