Rumplestilskin

My ex is Rumplestilskin. He told me tonight that he plans to obtain custody of little G (how I'd love to know) and move back to Geneva. I met my ex in church. How the hell can you go wrong meeting someone in church? It seemed like such a safe move: churchgoer = someone devout. Someone devout=similar values. I submitted my ex to an interrogation and he passed with flying colors (he was patient with my questions, he never badmouthed his first wife which would've been understandable but would've raised flags). Instead, I should have questioned why he never badmouthed the first wife. Nope, instead, he saved all his anger to dump on me.

His first wife told him that they'd never have kids. How cruel, I said. Now, I understand why. My son's feelings mean nothing to my ex, from what I can tell. G hated soccer but Gino insisted that he liked it. Gino already plans for G to play football when G seems more cerebral.

My ex merely wants G to be a living breathing replica of him. My son is named Gino (what a mistake, but it means dearest one in Italian -- I checked -- and G is my dearest) but he looks very little like his dad. His temperament, his coloring, it's all from my side of the family.

So Gino assumes that he can take G from me and move to NY, where I wouldn't be able to visit. I admit, I think upstate NY (Geneva) sucks in a capital manner. Something is wrong in towns where you try economic redevelopment for 15+ years and not much happens. Kodak and Guardian Glass remain the top employers in the area. Yeah, I want G to grow up there.

Realistically, I can't imagine my ex retaining partial physical custody and moving to NY. I can't imagine a judge in the VA area who would endorse shuttling a kid across state lines on a monthly basis. To be safe, I'm contacting the lawyer tomorrow to confirm the actions I can take for full custody, if G's dad is stupid enough to move. But when Gino said what he did, I realized he's Rumplestiltskin.

change

I am not one of those people that celebrates change. Change happens and that can be great. G grows bigger every day, emotionally, physically (I see the changes weekly)and those changes I do celebrate. But other changes, I struggle with the disruption.

Andreas and I have been talking about getting married within the next year and living together earlier and while it's nice, it scares me a bit. It's hard not to wonder if one of the secrets of our success is that we're not around each other 24/7. Even though we can hardly be accused of being on our best behavior all the weekends that we see each other (at times he's tired, I'm tired or we're both not feeling well and we're tired) but the fact remains, we both have a week to enjoy to ourselves ( I have my week to concentrate on G) and we have time to miss each other.

Living together, we won't have the chance to miss each other and each of our individual habits is more likely to irritate the other. And kids: that scares me no end. Will we still talk to each other as individuals and will we still nurture our relationship or will we drown in the various kid activities? I feel very strongly that you nurture kids, but you also nurture each other.

And my place: 1800 square feet doesn't seem like a lot. I only have 3 bedrooms: a guest room, G's room and the master bedroom. There's no room for an additional kid (never thought of it before). I told Andreas I'd rather have a larger, neutral house for us to move into. He wants 5 bedrooms (which makes sense but is hard to find). I'd like 4 with a den/office for him/us. We're limited where we can move, since I don't want G to switch school districts but Andreas gets to pick the house within the Manassas area (though he did say that I'd get some say). I'm hoping he likes lots of light. The condo he picked gets a lot of daylight (actually more than mine) and I'm hoping that's an indicator.

All these thoughts swirling in my head regarding the potential changes. Change can be good but it can be maddening!

Worries?

Maybe I worry for nothing when it comes to Andreas and G. We took G to the National Aquarium yesterday and the Museum of Natural History and I think we all had a good time. G did get whiny before dinner since he was hungry and I was getting 'the look' from Andreas (how dare G get whiny when he's hungry, but most kids do) but what was most important was that Andreas let me handle it.

G didn't want pizza since the two of us had that on Friday night. And regretfully, 2Amy's only has pizza. Andreas hazarded a guess that they had sandwiches and I guessed pasta but we were both wrong.I coaxed G into eating bruschetta with grated Parmesan and it was entertaining to see G eat, he was so enraptured with the Parmesan.

G started getting antsy right around dessert but Andreas still had time for a cappuccino. And G has maintained his record of being reasonable around Andreas. I haven't had to haul him out of a restaurant once, knock on wood. Around my family, he can be a handful, and around Alexandra. My family doesn't help matters, since my mom will intervene when I'm correcting G. And around Alexandra, I think G took advantage when I was tired. You never do get an off day.

But so long as Andreas gives me the freedom to handle G, then I feel like I have less to worry about, which is nice. Now if I can get G to stop asking for a brother or sister, then we're golden.

wishing

I wish Andreas and I were always on the same page, but we're not. He's appalled by my lax parenting because I allow G to eat Pop Tarts on occasion and I let G stay up late on the weekends. My approach to parenting is Bill Cosby style (see cake routine). If you let a kid have a treat on occasion, whether it's cake for breakfast (on occasion) or staying up late, I don't see the problem.

Apparently, Andreas hails from my mother's school of thinking: kids should be seen and not heard, no exceptions. Granted, it's a struggle for me to be fair in this area, because I absolutely hated the way I grew up, so naturally, I'm going to raise G to be more of a thinker than a rule follower.

I was mistaken for 40 when I was 14, because my mother insisted on buying me the most godawful suits and blouses. There was no family time in my house, except for opening gifts for Christmas. Otherwise, everyone retreated to their corner of the house. Dinner was agony, eating food together since my parents never took an interest in what El and I were up to. It was always assumed that only the adults had interesting things to say. Chew food, beg for permission to leave the table and be grateful when you could escape. Yeah, good times.

Weekends are my only fun times with G. During the week, my routine with G is structured around his swim lessons, his homework, assuming that I don't have to work late. This week, I worked late every single night, it kills me. It's nice to have two days off to relax with G. Regular rules still apply : eating together, no eating in front of the TV but weekends are looser, easier.

Both G and Andreas are accustomed to getting my full attention, I can't imagine the two coexisting peacefully. When we go out together, I do have the best time, from Cox farms to the Dulles Annex. And G likes Andreas for the most part. He still wants his dad and me to reunite but I just remind G that his dad and I fought all the time. But given Andreas' disapproval of my parenting style (I know I'm not eager to change it), I'm not sure what the way forward would be.

I keep telling Andreas, if he wants to know what it's like to have a kid, get a puppy. While understandably, they're not equivalent, they are the closest things to kids. I'd be curious how much of a rule person he'd actually be. I want to believe that if he had kids, he'd want them to be smart and to think for themselves and that he'd apply rules to fit the situation versus barking out orders, no exceptions. I'd expect him to choose the former. And when people like rules, it never seems to occur to them that compliance can be faked (El's case). And inflexible rules certainly don't foster empathy and understanding.

Court was weird today, but I was happy with the verdict. Gino dragged me there for nothing. The courts were an hour and a half behind schedule so Jim convinced the ex's lawyer to conference call with me to my Benefits Dept, so they could verify my proof of life insurance. Gino's lawyer is a quarrelsome dumbass. He refuted the paper printouts of the proof of life insurance, but whatever. The case was dismissed with prejudice: Gino can't drag me back to court on this. Jim remains worth every penny. But I am tired of shelling out for the retainers. Here's wishing that Gino becomes less difficult. A girl can dream.

You have to wonder

You have to wonder about the parents of the kid that was missing for four years, taking the talk show circuit. You have to wonder about parents willing to admit on national TV that they believe their son was sexually abused. It's now out in the public domain what that kid has survived and it's easy to imagine that not everyone is going to be sensitive about it. How is that kid going to go to school? He probably won't be viewed as normal. It's bad enough when bad things happen, but to have the whole world know about it? To have the world view and weigh in on the fact of your victimization?

Maybe the parents had a conversation prior to the show, with their son: this is what we expect will happen. And maybe, if that's the way it happened, then maybe it was for the best. But it makes me ill to think that this kid was being discussed, in his presence, about what he survived and the past four years. And what indication was there, that the kid didn't mind his being discussed so openly? It boggles the mind.

The whole case made me cringe from the start. I know the mother was happy when she was told her son had been found, but I felt like she gave false hope to other parents of missing teens, telling them to never give up and always believe. It worked out for her, but that doesn't mean it'll work out for everyone else. It would be great if things did work out for everybody, but that doesn't seem to be the case.

I think the worst thing about this case is the fact that the kids were older. I always want to believe that you can worry less about your kids as they age. An 11-year-old has more autonomy than an eight-year-old. And it seems like an 11-year-old would have a better chance to fight a potential abductor. I'm still looking for that easy answer.

Switching gears, have the court case today. I pray the judge will be sympathetic to my side. I'm not banking on it, since I don't have copies of paperwork I previously signed. Funny, I thought asking the losing party to pay court costs would be a deterrent to Gino. Guess not. Should be fun.

Pine Needles II

The pine needles are still winning. Vacuum #2 bit the dust tonight. It's one of those stupid 'cyclonic' vacuums with the permanent filter. At first, I thought the permanent filter was a blessing but now I know that it's something to be cleaned versus something to toss out. Now I need to figure out if I want to a) fix the stupid thing myself, unscrewing all the applicable parts (and of course, the dirt cup isn't swinging out the way it's supposed to), b) just buy a new vacuum cleaner with the air bags (cheap, hopefully) or c) call someone else to fix the vacuum. None of the alternatives is enticing.

Had a fabulous weekend with Andreas. Saw Kathleen Turner and Bill Irwin in the current version of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf (they were outstanding and Kathleen Turner was quite formidable in her role as the abrasive, misunderstood wife and unappreciated daughter). Following the show, we hit Butterfield 9 for a fixed prix dinner of seared scallops, pork loin and toffee cheesecake. Butterfield 9 was very nice but the service was perfunctory given the late hour. I have been spoiled by Eve and the other high end restaurants. Shameful, but who's complaining?

Today we saw Children of Men and now I'd like to read the book. It's like the author took Orwell's police state one step further and addresses the basic rights that we take for granted: the right to reproduce, the right to travel freely and the general value that can be accorded to human life. It's a nice little spin that the future of mankind rests upon a minority baby girl. It'd be interesting to hear what the fundamentalists would say to that.

I know I talked Andreas' ear off about the movie (though it did take me a while to collect my thoughts). I haven't seen that thought provoking a movie since Brazil. Babel was a good movie, but it didn't come close and Requiem for a Dream was jarring but not thought provoking.

Andreas and I have such a nice rhythm. Sometimes, it seems too long before I see him but when I do see him, it's as if we're the only two people (adults) in the world, thinking, seeing, feeling and sensing. I know that's a silly conceit and I don't truly believe that but, it is a sensation I experience. The world is our oyster, etc. I'm at my happiest with him. And I'm not even ashamed that I'm such a cornball, though maybe I should be.

The only downer is that I can't travel the way we did last year. I need to be pretty conservative until I figure out what's happening with the job (our contract is up, gotta love it). Hopefully, I can afford a little fun this year, but I want to keep trips simple this year: stateside and not too far. Self restraint, not one of my favorites, but life goes on.

Normal people

Normal people don't buy 6 ft. tall Christmas trees and haul them up 4 flights of stairs (single woman by herself). Normal people work smarter, not harder in disposing of said Christmas trees. If I'd remembered, I would have wrapped the Christmas tree in old bed sheets before littering my stairs with half dead pine needles. And normal people don't break their vacuum cleaners, trying to get rid of the lovely pine needles, once Christmas is over.

Christmas is over and I'm trying to regain mastery of the house. It's been a drawn out affair, moving boxes from Christmas unwrapping, upstairs to storage, bringing down the lights and stowing the ornaments. I still haven't delivered all the Christmas presents (one family's schedule hasn't coordinated with mine) and I probably have to resort to the post office, despite the fact that I'd rather see the kids' reactions. But the New Year has already passed and it feels silly to hope that I'll see them soon.

And I can't even get time to blog as the kid is already pestering me, so he may play his games. He has been on the computer a good portion of the day. It's my fault: he wanted to play tennis earlier and I was too lazy to oblige.

It was a good lazy day though. The sky was overcast and it was cold, seemed like 40 degrees. Funny how I think I want more kids on occasion. It's hard to keep this one entertained. I bought fresh paint and little figurines for G and after 3 haphazard paint jobs, he's done. We read 2 books together (I'm making him read now, actually) but he gets so bored. And because I' such a kid, I admit, I thought it'd be easier.

Transition time

I hate the days that I'm in transition, following days with Andrew to days with G. The half day in between is like limbo sometimes. I've called El, Grace, I've called Josie, Tony, Alexandra (only Grace wasn't home) and the evening still feels strange. I'm wondering what he's doing and I just saw him this afternoon. I miss putzing around the house with him and I'm irritated because I'm independent, I have plenty to do. But I miss him.

I'm wondering how it would be if we lived together (which we can't, really, without my worrying about a potential custody suit with the ex). I'm wondering if he'd be irritated by the time I spend on the phone or bemused by my chattiness (and I certainly hope for the latter). I wonder if he'd be lenient with G or if he'd want to actively parent G (which while understandable, raises so many worries in my mind -- conflicts with G, the ex, etc). And I have to remind myself to breathe, relax and take things one step at a time.

And I'm laughing at myself, because who knows what's in store but look at me, I'm missing Drue.

2007 and 'How we met' stories

Ringing in 2007 was the best experience I've had in a while, as far as New Year's celebrations go. Andy (Drue...Andreas) and I went to Ten Penh with John and Jynessa. I could have skipped dinner at Ten Penh but celebrating at 18th Street Lounge was perfect! From the jazz room (though we missed the live band), to the reggae room to the DJ room, that club just oozed sophistication without being snotty. White orchids graced every table and the candles were plentiful but not overdone. There was an outdoor patio with antique chandeliers strung overhead. Even in the rain, I was in heaven.

Ten Penh, after the other restaurants that we've experienced (Eve, 2941, CitiZen) was quite the disappointment. None of the staff pulled the ladies' chairs out and I have to admit, I really appreciate the restaurants that pay attention to detail. I always heard Ten was a good place to go but I was extremely crabby over the seating arrangements: the tables were so tight that I was constantly getting bumped (and I don't mean mildly) by the waiters and waitresses hovering over the tables behind me. I half expected a beverage cart to take me out, with the amount of physical contact I was getting, and not even so much as an 'Excuse me.'

My meal was cruddy too. Andy saw that they didn't devein my shrimp and if it had been any other night, I would've sent the meal back. But, I imagined the kitchen was overloaded. The waiter never stuck around to ensure that everyone had what they wanted (John had to try to grab our waiter twice) and my dessert was as lackluster as my meal.

But...18th Street Lounge was the best. I don't know how the hell they make their Cosmos, but their mix is one of the best that I've had. We almost didn't get in the door (Andy didn't print the receipt) but the bouncer let us in and the night really took off from there.

Andy seemed happy to see me buzzed (three Cosmos -- I'm a lightweight) and after midnight, we all just bounced around in a foursome-style, manwich: it was all silly fun. I've had the best times with Andy. Everything does seem to work out when I'm with him, from the night exhibition at the Hirshorn (which I'd never seen before last fall), to his trying alternate routes successfully to get me to the Long Beach airport, an hour before my flight, to his planning the perfect New Year's (18th Street). We also saw Jim Webb at Four Sisters in Seven Corners, VA. Whether he realizes it or not, the man seems to have an immense amount of luck, in that most every experience with him is an event.

The only thing that I wish that I had done differently is I'm still a putz when it comes to "How we Met" stories. In those stories, people generally want to hear, in 20 seconds or less, why you love your partner. And I don't have the pat answer. Explaining that Drue's the most intense, amazing lover that I've ever had wouldn't be appropriate (but true). Explaining that I love Drue's passion and politics would be better, but it's got nothing to do with how we met (online). And talking about how I love his blue eyes and wicked mouth is just plain sappy (but, again, true).

After John teased Drue that I was 'slumming,' in dating Drue, Drue made cracks that I would eventually break up with him. If I had been more on the ball, I would've defended my man. I don't love when Drue's quarrelsome (and I have my rough patches too) but I do love and adore him very much. I love that I don't have to be dressed up for him to find me attractive and I love that he writes me beautiful cards. I'm surprised when he talks about being a control freak but he has been relatively good to me. There's not much that I wouldn't do for him. Should be interesting, to see what 2007 brings.